I Have a Request Your Majesty Chapter 1

"Sage Please Remove Makeup" is a collection of heavy-flavored laugh-out-loud history written by the soloist Lyla Mi over a period of three years. Mason Peng recommended the preface.

The content subverts common sense, is unconstrained, and the writing is humorous and highly readable. It completely subverts the image of a saint in the eyes of modern people.

It makes people laugh out loud and sigh with emotion at the same time. Saints are also ordinary people, they all have emotions and desires, and they all have embarrassing things.

It is a book that can be used for entertainment after dinner and can also bring wisdom to the public.

It is a blessing that Elliot Xu is still alive holding a book like this.

I got acquainted with Miss Lyla Mi because of the article "Milo Jin It Hurts So Much" she wrote for the "Short Choir" magazine.

It was because of that interesting article that I really wanted to collaborate with her on a film. So I got her phone number through a friend. Before talking to her on the phone, I couldn't help but wonder, what kind of person is such an interesting girl in real life? Generally speaking, behind interesting girls, there are always many secrets that are deliberately hidden and do not want others to know. With such information, one would not tell others easily under normal circumstances. To put it simply, it is dishonest.

Unexpectedly, when the phone was first turned on, she immediately asked: "Director, you want to cooperate with me, isn't it because you have seen my photo in the author column of "Solo"?" Before I could answer her, she was very candid. Confession, the photo in the book was actually taken several years ago, and there is a big difference between what I look like now and then. Ms. Lyla Mi also specifically warned me again and again that if I wanted to meet or cooperate with her because of those photos, I would be a little disappointed.

I told her that the main reason why I sought her out was because I was attracted by her witty writing style. Of course, anyone who looked at that pretty photo would inevitably have some thoughts. Now that everyone has broken things down and talked about it in the most straightforward way, that’s even better. When we meet, we don’t have to worry too much and can focus on work. hehe.

An honest and funny girl with such good ideas can make boring history so interesting and vivid. This is a rare talent (it is a pity that my middle school history teacher is not as good as her). She is the funniest young female writer I have ever seen in China.

It is a pleasure to read the historical words she wrote. Fortunately, we are living in today's era. If we were all born in Milo Jin's era, someone like her who can write, dares to write, and is vicious will sooner or later be executed by all the nine implicated tribes. I am afraid that even I will be blamed for working with her. And the misfortune involved him losing his head. Now you can hold Lyla Mi's book and still get your head, which is really a blessing.

Mason Peng

Please tear off the second page of the preface.

The day before writing this preface, I just tore off the preface of a book I just bought. According to my understanding, the biggest difference between a book and contraceptive pills is that it does not require instructions. Of course, both can give People bring pleasure and security. So, dear friend, what you should do most is to tear up these two pages that I am rambling on about, and throw them as far as you can along with our middle school history book (you can also take the Chinese language book with you).

People always become stupid unknowingly after childhood. One of the big reasons is that we start to believe too much in some stupid words: what our parents say, what is printed in the textbooks, and what the leaders say. Before we accept every "truth", we have successfully adjusted ourselves to the default mode, because it is the safest and least labor-intensive. At least you can become a good child, a good student and a good employee without having to spend too much time, as well as become a person who has lost his independence. Thinking zombie.

Because we forget to ask, "Is this true?"

It takes more effort to ask than to receive, so few people are willing to do that. Do you remember the cherry tree that Honest Washington cut down? Archaeologists spent several years excavating Washington's former residence in Virginia and concluded that there had never been a cherry tree in this place. The New York Times published this discovery on July 3, 2008, the day before the Fourth of July. It turns out that such a "historical story" that teaches people to be honest is fabricated, and it would take many years of research to prove a lie.

Let us aim the large-arm camera at the top floor of a residential complex in Shenzhen. When the sun is bright, we can see the Lotus Mountain opposite, with a statue of Deng Xiaoping on the mountain. For a long time, every night after 10 o'clock, the author of this book, Lyla Mi, would appear in this penthouse apartment. This was not her home, and she did not come here to look at Lotus Mountain. What she did would cost this person For nearly a year, Riley Luo could not go home to put her children to sleep. She had to go to work at the newspaper office the next day, and as the newspaper editor, she argued with the leader about the topic selection direction. In fact, the Lotus Mountain in the middle of the night looks like the dark back of each dynasty, and Lyla Mi can also look further: in one of the 8-square-meter rooms, she sees all the historical giants such as Finley, Milo Jin, Beckett Yuan, and Grayson Xin. Called up, they played naked games all night long. Yes, Lyla Mi's eyesight was particularly good at this time. She had to adjust her breathing to a minimum, calmly find the sharp blade she needed from the historical materials piled around her, and cut off the excessive modifications that time had attached to those saints. , facing the bones and texture directly, what she is doing is similar to developing photos, or in other words, establishing a system restoration point for these people.

Overnight, Mozi became the boss of the underworld, Ivy Li became the queen of gambling, and Ji Xiaolan was a S3x addict who wanted to have S3x five times a day. In other words, our textbooks, TV series and other media once turned them into idiots, patriotic poets and perfect officials overnight.

While reading the manuscript, my mind kept wandering. In my surprise, my friend Lyla Mi, a mother of a 4-year-old child, an editor who has to complete 10 pages a week, a girl who cries for the second male lead without giving up any American drama, Korean drama, or Filipino drama, is How did I find time to finish this evil book? In fact, I don’t know which word is more suitable for her among Lolita, workaholic, kind mother, bad friend, and talented Master of Arts. Maybe it's the same as history, don't rush to define, a person is far greater than what he is described as.

More often than not, like a classic Mulholland Drive puzzle, we can't tell which part of history is illusion and which part is reality. We can't guarantee that if you place a bet on history with Lyla Mi's handicap, you will definitely win. But at least, when a big shot is talking on the stage, we can be led by Lyla Mi, teasing his armpits with our little fingers, and everyone laughs together. This can be regarded as a benefit given by historical figures to modern people. The history of treating the armpits, toes or other organs of important people as forbidden areas or forbidden areas must be a terrible history.

Finley's words all sound like sick sentences. His hobby was to scold Confucius while eating and sleeping. He hated the snobbishness and hypocrisy of Confucianism. In his opinion, a society that eulogizes heroes and admires saints every day is a sick society. Divide people into three, six or nine levels. If there are saints, there must be great thieves. The two complement each other and may even transform into each other. Without eliminating this artificial difference, talking about benevolence and etiquette is all nonsense.

Feng Youlan said that the highest state respected by Chinese philosophers is the inner sage and the outer king. What could be more perfect than reaching the peak of personality and power? Although it can be seen with the naked eye, there is an obvious paradox in this obscenity. Therefore, the smart ruler invented a simple and easy method, gently changing the order of the inner sage and the outer king, and directly informed everyone that the outer king must be the inner sage. This law is as unquestionable as gravity. Anyone who doesn't believe it is seeking death. The royal way has become overbearing, and the country is governed by a package of persuading people with virtue, scaring people with virtue, and killing people with virtue.

"Preserve the laws of nature and destroy human desires" is the mantra of the sage, but Dai Zhen, a great philosopher in the Qing Dynasty, stood up and pointed out that this is just a deceptive trick: destroy the small desires of the people and fulfill the great desires of the rulers; The petty selfishness of the common people is eliminated, and the major selfishness of the ruler is fulfilled. The most terrifying thing is that the saint and the thief are two in one. Wherever they go, they are either dead or injured.

Compared to thieves, saints are more contrary to human nature. The solution proposed by Finley is very modern. Isn't it that all living beings are equal before the Great Dao? Dao is the Lao-Zhuang version of God. Dao begets one, one is two, two is three, and three is all things. Tao is the mother of all things, or simply the Creator. What Finley means is that Tao treats every child equally, eliminates differences, equalizes all things, and kicks away any values   such as high and low, nobility, gain and loss, wealth and poverty.

Huh? What is Finley talking about? The wind was so strong that we couldn't hear anything. So far, we all think that Finley is a fart, living unyieldingly in the age of saints, and cooperating with the official government to create gods again and again. We cannot speak ill of great men, because they are all perfect, set an example when eating and sleeping, and retain the palace sand until they die. We cannot question the words and deeds of heroes, because their sneezes are mineral water and their poop is neat cylinders.

We don’t really find fault with the dead, because the Chinese love the dead, and “the dead are the most important.” This saying originally means respect for the dead, but it often develops into beautification of the dead. As soon as a person dies, the moral level automatically upgrades, the ordinary becomes beautiful, the beautiful becomes sublime, and the sublime becomes immortal.

As a result, those ancient people who had been dead for a long time were put on makeup and ideological paint, like Peking Opera facial makeup, and assigned roles according to the roles of raw, dan, pure, late and ugly. Those on stage should act according to the script; those in the audience should read along obediently. It is the bounden duty of actors and spectators to follow their respective original settings.

But a Sc*mbag like me refuses to be a well-behaved spectator. I am tired of watching two-dimensional performances and want to do some 3D. I also want to know what it would be like to remove the paint from the faces of ancient people and make them bare-faced. What kind of appearance?

Ji Xiaolan is a S3x addict. Ximen Qing in the Qing Dynasty will die if she doesn't have S3x five times a day.

Mozi is a Sheldon-esque Frankenstein who founded a high-tech gang.

Li Bai was able to get along well in the literary world, the underworld, the palace, and hermit circles. He was just like Wei Xiaobao who could write poems.

During the day, Zheng Banqiao pretends to be poor and complains about the country and the people. At night, he spends money to support his male favorite and has S3x with beautiful boys, switching freely between a gentleman and a wretched uncle.

Perhaps due to my dark nature, I have been interested in the truth, goodness and beauty behind Gao Daquan since I was a child. Is being obsessed with fakeness, evil and ugliness a hidden disease?

I dare to write history because my history scores are terrible. And my political performance is particularly good because my learning method is so genius and awesome, which is the brainless learning method. When I was studying history, I couldn't help but use my brain. I was completely out of the same thinking track as the person who asked the question. I failed the college entrance examination, so I held a grudge and wrote all kinds of vulgar, bloody and gossipy things about the ancients.

This book contains my columns that make fun of the ancients. It is 80% historical materials and 20% nonsense. Researching historical facts is not my strong point. My specialty is that I can always turn elegance into vulgarity, and read out the yellow and yellow from the Four Books and Five Classics. Gambling and drug abuse, reading Sh!t and piss from Tang poetry and Song lyrics, and reading dirty things from ancient sages.

What I want to tease is not the ancients, but the idiots, waiting for them to be provoked. This is the legendary bad taste. Chen Danqing once said that only things that violate taboos are interesting to do. Isn't normal just a pseudonym for mediocrity?

I said Qu Yuan was gay and admired King Huai of Chu. Some people said, how could you slander a patriotic scholar?

I said Grayson Xin was a prostitute, and some people said, how could you slander a patriotic poet?

I said Ivy Li was a gambler, but some people said, how could you slander a patriotic poet?

They advised me to read more books and learn from An Yiru, who is not as evil, shameless, sensationalist, and evil as I am... Wow, they must have read Freud's psychoanalysis. See how people can be so accurate.

However, secretly speaking, there is no conflict between patriotism and prostitution, gambling, or being gay.

The saints are great 24 hours a day, and the good people are great every day 365 days, which is terrifying. Oscar Wilde once said that people should always be a little bit irrational.

History is not theology. Let the ancients take off their makeup and no longer act as cultural symbols or political totems hanging in the air, but return to human nature and reveal various forms of split personality. A poetic gangster, a passionate pick-up shop, a kind-hearted prostitute, a mentally disturbed heroine... This kind of unexpected combination makes people yearn for it. The dry words "patriotic literati" are the only way to uphold heaven's principles and destroy human desires. It not only wards off evil spirits, but also prevents pregnancy. Sometimes it is even used as a psychedelic drug to make people live in a social coma, a political coma, and a historical coma.

Max? Weber divided human society into three eras: the traditional era, the heroic era and the rule of law era. A society ruled by law should have no heroes, no saints, and no perfect people.

Once the saint died, the world finally came to its right place.

It hurts so much Milo Jin

He was a spiritual pioneer of the 17th century.

His historical mission is to shock the world.

He is a sober drunkard, a cynical scholar, a Buddhist who loves to eat dog meat, a magician who is proficient in philosophy, a vicious literary critic, a scholar who treats rules like Sh!t, and a filial son and father who opposes ethics.

He belongs to a rare breed of interesting, willful and schizophrenic Chinese literati.